Thursday, 24 October 2013

The Numbers Game

After a 2 year gap since my last blog - mostly spent with my head in textbooks, I'm back with more than the majority of the alphabet after my name in academic speak, 3 and a half years of marriage under my belt, 4 extra legs in my house, but with 2 legs missing by their absence and carrying more than 7 stone in weight more than I should. 
So for those of you who don't know me, the gap in blog post proceedings has been largely due to completing my Masters degree - the MBA. I thought I could manage both but bearing in mind my ability to procrastinate with things I have to do, things I don't have to do were never going to get a look in. As usual I was disappointed with the result as I often have been in my life. I know many on my course and those that did complete would have been happy with the Merit I received, but unfortunately my own high standards don't agree. I am solely to blame - running away from my learning disorder didn't help, neither did my procrastination or the significant change in career which finally took me away from HR into the giddy world of "Operations Management". I should have known better - I know full well had I not spent too much time on a social life the first time round in the late 90s I would be the proud owner of at least a 2:1, rather than the 2:2 I did receive.

Anyway, this blog is not about self flagilation. Its about numbers...

The additional 4 legs in our household are that of a puppy. A rescued staffy cross by the name of Gnasher. My Facebook and Twitter friends are fortunate enough (here's hoping that's how they feel?) to receive regular updates as to his antics. Lilly - our adult staffy cross and also a rescue - brought life into our home, but Gnasher has brought in much laughter. It was a happy home anyway, but having a puppy bound around your house chasing nothing but his tail cannot do anything but bring a smile to your face. Lilly, the staffy who adores people but hates other dogs, loves Gnasher as her own. This is a surprise in itself, but a happy one, although I have my doubts when the noises they make play fighting sound like a re-enactment from The Exorcist.

Which brings me to the 2 legs and the source of the only real unhappiness in my life... It looks like my thyroid and weight are conspiring against me in such a way that after 2 years of seriously trying, I am still not pregnant. As each month goes by we go through the excitement and hope only for that to come crashing down around us. What makes this harder is that I was the girl who was never getting married and never having kids. Why do I need a piece of paper to tell the world I love someone...? I found out within seconds (I'm not exaggerating!) of meeting my now husband, that actually it doesn't quite work like that! Neither does spending a lifetime of saying "why would anyone bring kids into this shitty world" as this invariably turns into your luck running out when you do decide to take on that piece of paper and the potential of having that little bundle of joy. 

The next step is the quacks, and this is where the extra 7 stones comes in. While I am that overweight, all a doctor will say is "lose weight". So that's what I'm doing. I have good days and bad... in fact this year has been one long bad day in terms of diet. This week has been good though; the prospect of not having kids hasn't been a carrot before this week, but for some reason now it is and its driving me towards that weight loss. Even the prospect of my Saturdays off plan is over-shadowed by the potential patter of tiny feet.

So... wish me luck. I'm going to need it to maintain the willpower on the bad days when those hopes are dashed again. For those that are interested there may be updates, or I may keep that pain locked up and talk instead about how crappy the government and the weather is... who knows?